TODD'S
RATING
SYSTEM:

There are 3 different numbers under the films. the first one in red is for gore amount on a scale from 1-10, the next one in white is for sleaze amount on a scale from 1-10, the last one is in purple and tells you how good a movie is overall on a scale from 1-10.

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This page is to help you Horror fans out there find lost Trashola Classics or maybe just help give you ideas when you go to the video store. In addition to that maybe I can also help tell you what movies YOU may want to stay away from. All kinds of films will be reviewed here, not JUST Horror, but I hope you will find my reviews helpful and insightful. To the left you will find a system on how I rate the films on this page. Have fun and be sure to give me plenty of feedback.

Another month, more Trashola to review. Two movies this month to make up for our inability to write any in October, November and December.

Attack Of The Beast Creatures
Western World Video - Unrated - 83 Minutes

I dug deep and found this very rare little splatterfest to review for this month, and though it may be hard as hell to find, it is a cool little low budget oddity that surprised me.

OK, the film starts off with a ship sinking, kinda like a Z-Grade Titanic deal, during the opening credits. The amateur actor survivors all row a boat to a nearby Island. Before you can say "Gilligan," these castaways are convinced they are all alone on the Island… only we know different because we get some hand-held POV shots that are suppose to be someone watching from the nearby bushes.

Next we get some people screaming at each other for a few minutes kinda like on the WWF nowadays cuz they save all the actual WRESTLING for Pay-Per-View and just yell a bunch on free TV,and this one old man character is like Archie Bunker, only an amateur version.

Director Michael Stanley has set this film in the 1920's and one character is a flapper. The plot starts to bog down here so Archie Bunker gets thirsty and decides he needs a drink, only when he bends over and takes a swig of the lagoon, it eats his flesh off in a cool gross out effects scene. Face melts, hands drip, gooey slime and blood pour everywhere. We're talking first class chunk blower here. The rest of the flick zips along at a fast rate from here on out as crew members off-screen throw these creatures at the cast that look like that Zuni demon doll thingie from Trilogy of Terror with all the big sharp teeth that chased Karen Black all over. Same kinda thing except different. These demonic little dudes ain't dolls and they hunger for a lot more than Karen. We're talking absolutely no plot from this point on, just some great scenes of people getting attacked and swarmed on by these creatures. I haven't seen flesh eating swarms of little killers like this since Piranha! I could go on, but I don't wanna ruin it in case you are lucky enough to dig it up someplace.

I will say that the director and screenwriters must have done some way crazy drugs and watched Gilligan's Island before making this thing… Original and way off the wall.

 6 / 8 / 2

Ilsa - The Wicked Warden
American Video - 93 mins. (various copies have different running times) - Unrated

OK freaks, this one is for you! I tell you when you pop this sick puppy in the ol' VCR it's time to wallow in the trash… yep, we're talking scuzzorama, a sleazola classic - in other words… this one is gonna be a fun one!

Dyanne Thorn stars as Ilsa (originally Wanda) in this Jess Franco trash masterpiece and she does so many horrible things to people that it's hard to know where to begin! Ilsa is a sadistic chick who runs the show in some demented prison camp or something. The movie starts off with a shower scene where Ilsa gets in a hot bath and some women guards watch. After about twelve shots of her pouring water on her chest out of a sponge, the chicks in the showers start fighting and Ilsa offs the girl who started it.

Next thing we know this crazy chick decides to get herself thrown into Ilsa's prison cuz it was her little sister who Ilsa nailed from the shower. With the help of some goofy doctor with a Clark Kent voice she ends up on the inside and face to face with Ilsa. First thing she gets hosed down and they make fun of her body a while cuz she has a forest on her if you know what I mean and I am sure you do. Then some dumb ass girls sing french nursery rhymes while others knit. Then we get to see Ilsa get a massage. Now at this point I was getting a bit bored of this "notorious" film. I had no idea where it's bad reputation came from. It was typical Eurosleaze from Franco.

Then the trashola hit the fan. We find out that Ilsa has some interesting hobbies like lesbo torture, home-style acupuncture with sewing needles, lobotomies, spankings, shock therapy (you won't believe where they attach the electricity) while she films it, whippings, brandings, beatings, snuff movies and even cannibalism. Never a dull moment in the Ilsa house. We are subjected to so many scenes of barbaric depravity I thought for a minute that I was watching a damned K-Tel "Best of The Bitch" compilation! It was at this point that I realized there was not one shred of plot OR decency in this movie, lucky for all you drive-in trash lovers! One prisoner says "You filthy bitch pig vampires! I will tear off your tits!" then Ilsa whips her ass like a redneck at a rodeo for an hour and then they cut on her some. As you can tell, this one has something for the whole family. Then in the middle of the film, we are treated to some crazy arty sex scene with Ilsa and some guy that isn't in any other part of the movie! Then it's back to sadism and trash for a bit until Ilsa finds out that this chick is the sister, then you can guess what happens…Yep, it's time for a showdown in sleazeland!

It all ends with the prisoners getting pissed and acting like zombies and tearing Ilsa apart, complete with gore and even some cannibal chow-down action going on! This part of the film really grosses you out… and that means a lot compared to what was before it! All in all, I must say this one will offend almost everyone… and if offbeat, sleazy trash classics like this are up your alley, then search for it and find it - but I warn you, it sure ain't pretty!

 7 / 9 / 10

See ya next month!

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